so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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