finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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