So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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