i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
