You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
