just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
