Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
