So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
