i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you didnt know i had herpes?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
