I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
