I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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