She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
