just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
