the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
