I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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