Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
