yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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