I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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