I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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