It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
