i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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