I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
