I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
