Whod you bang
this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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