Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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