I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
