Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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