There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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