fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize