You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
