mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
