my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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