my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
