i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
