did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
