She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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