Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
