no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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