i permit you to call me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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