We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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