I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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