She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
