If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
