I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
