Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Randomize
