i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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