my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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