Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
