see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
