I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
