im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
