I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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