maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
