rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
