I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
