someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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