Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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