I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
