in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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